the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I want is dick and wine.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
