everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
