M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
