so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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