You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
