i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
