I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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