he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
