I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
