so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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