Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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