I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
