I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He better not be in your backpack
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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