The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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