Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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