I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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