I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i came on her dog
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
