I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
