Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
