im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
