Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
