haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My breasts were aching with rage.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
