DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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