so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
