an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
