if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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