How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
