If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
