I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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