your parents love me but you hate me
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
