so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
