I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
