she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
