Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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