you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the raccoons are back...
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