Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
