the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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