he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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