is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
