I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
