John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
