I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
