he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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