Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
