I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
