Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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