Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
