I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
