I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Are my feet made of real feet?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
