The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
